Top Fifteen: Robots

I love robots. I love robots so much, I have a tattoo of one disassembled on my right calf. To commemorate my affinity for robots, here's my latest Top Fifteen -- the Top Fifteen Robots in movies. From now on, though, all the Top Fifteen will be listed in descending order. You know, for the suspense of it all.

#15 Optimus Prime

Transformers: the Movie

Micheal Bay has nothing on the animated original.

#14 Johnny 5

Short Circuit, Short Circuit 2

One of my favorite movies as a child, and has surprisingly held up.

#13 Gerty

Moon

Like HAL 9000, only helpful.

#12 David

A.I.:Artificial Intelligence

Kubrick + Speilburg + Pinocchio = awesome!

#11 Andrew

Bicentennial Man

One of Robin William's least appreciated roles.

#10 T-800

the Terminator series

The future is now, and it wants you dead.

#9 Borg Queen

Star Trek: First Contact

I love what you've done with your hair.

#8 Ash

Alien

Ian Holm is definitely one of my all-time favorite actors.

#7 Data

Star Trek 7-10

Leave it to an android to help us understand what being human really is.

#6 Edward Scissorhands

Edward Scissorhands

Remember, Vincent Price's character was known as "the Inventor."

#5 Wall-E

Wall-E

Pixar's cautionary tale of our destroyed planet wouldn't have been as bittersweet without our lovable hero.

#4 R2D2

the Star Wars series

Luke Skywalker bought a walking trash can, and the rest was intergalactic history.

#3 Agent Smith

the Matrix series

I suppose the sentinels are technically the robots, but their Matrix persona made the series.

#2 Iron Giant

Iron Giant

Brad Bird's pre-Pixar pulp masterpiece.

#1 False Maria

Metropolis

The great silent science fiction epic has been copied many times, but never outdone. 

Welcome to the Universe

"The only way of finding the limits of the possible is by going beyond them into the impossible." ~Arthur C. Clarke


I recently jumped feet first into the realm of Blu-Ray. I bought the latest and greatest player by Samsung (and still can't figure out the fucking remote) and a 1080p TV from Wal-mart (I hope I don't regret it in a year), but had failed to add any Blu-rays to my collection. Until now. My first personal Blu-ray was none other than Stanley Kubrick's science fiction mindfuck masterpiece, 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968).

Wow. I forgot how fucking weird this movie is. (My next viewing requires copious amounts of LSD.)

The movie is divided into four acts. Act 1, the Dawn of Man, shows a group of hairy hominids cackling and shouting in apemanese at a different group of hairy hominids, scaring them away. Then after a long night of tick-picking and cuddlefucks, they awaken to the awesomeness of the SPACE DOMINO.

This megalith from beyond the stars telepathically teaches our good hairy hominid clan how to use an old femur to bash in the fucking ape-brains of bad hairy hominid leader. (I'm pretty sure they went on to sell car insurance.)

~"Try to get MY pubes off the bar soap, you hairless fuckwad."~

Act Two jumps forward a few MILLION years (without a montage song too) to the flight of Dr. Haywood Floyd (William Sylvester). Apparently a group of lunar geologists were digging around and discovered the SPACE DOMINO. This act is where we get our first sputterings of dialogue. Thirty  goddamned minutes into the movie I might add. So, after telling everyone there is definitely not a giant black crayon box on the moon, the group of scientists go touch the SPACE DOMINO only to have it burst their fucking eardrums apart with its sheer awesomeness.

~Haywood Jablowme~

Act Three is the meat and potatoes of the movie. Taking place another 18 months later, we get introduced to  our sidekick / villain HAL 9000. Oh, and some peeps -- Dave and Frank. This act, in fact, has a plot. HAL is the supercomputer aboard the spaceship Discovery with our human friends heading to Jupiter because apparently our SPACE DOMINO sent out a radio signal to the giant ball of gas. Now, HAL informs the peeps about the communication satellite going kaput in a few hours. No big deal, right. Except a HAL 9000 on Earth ran the same diagnostic and found no such malfunction. Since HALs are always right, one of em must be wrong. 

~He looks trustworthy to me.~

The peeps decide to disengage HAL, just in case he's a psychotic killer computer. HAL decides to kill the peeps because he's a psychotic killer computer. There's where the conflict lies.

Act Four is where you're hoping the acid REALLY kicks in,  because astronaut Dave from Act Three encounters our SPACE DOMINO, entering a psychedelic space warp into the very point where time and space and tacos combine to, to, . . . Ok, I'll admit. I have NO fucking idea what Act Four is about. Dave flies through the air. Then he's in a room as an old man eating. Then he's on the bed dying. Then he's the fucking spacebaby. Yes, spacebaby. 

~"I can taste the purple in your soul."~

Hey, I don't get it either, but it was the Sixties. Maybe Kubrick was hanging out with Timothy Leary a little too often. Or not enough. Either way, this is regarded as the first serious science fiction movie. It's the grandfather to every decent and otherwise space movie since. This is what George Lucas and Stephen Spielberg were jerking off to in Film school. 

And yes, this is what I was jerking off to last night. 

Music Monday Debut

So  I'm trying something new this morning. My girlfriend is also a fellow blogger, and she participates in "blog hops." Now, I've tried my damnedest to find some blog hops that pertain to movies. Alas, I have found none.

BUT . . . I found one about music. Music and movies go together like PB & J, like Forrest and Jenny, like Martin Van Buren and those GREAT fucking chops of his. So I didn't think it would be too much of a stretch to incorporate this little addition into my blog.

P.S. The girlfriend's blog is here. (Man, I'm so gonna get laid.)

~Coolest President Ever! (those Chops, man. those Chops)~

I decided to start my Music Monday with a video from one of my favorite artists. Many directors get their start in the music video business. It's easier to make a name for yourself (and to get funding) making 4 minutes movies, then 104 minute ones. This director, however, started by staring in music videos. Rob Zombie became a household name being the frontman for a little band called White Zombie (which also happens to be a Bela Lugosi movie from the thirties -- the movie shit never stops flowing, does it). He directed the psychedelic desert scene in the feel-good buddy movie Beavis & Butthead Do America, but his full-length feature debut was the insanely fucked-up House of 1000 Corpses. That was followed with a sequel. Then he re-invented the Michael Myers story in his Halloween, followed by a sequel.

But this is Music Monday. I chose Never Gonna Stop (The Red Red Groovy) from Rob's solo debut, mostly because it's a kick-ass song, but also because the video is an homage to Stanley Kubrick's ultra-violent masterpiece, A Clockwork Orange.

Hope you enjoy.

Come join Music Monday and share your songs with us. Rules are simple. Leave ONLY the actual post link here and grab the code below and place it at your blog entry. You can grab this code at LadyJava's Lounge Please note these links are STRICTLY for Music Monday participants only. All others will be deleted without prejudice.

PS: Because of spamming purposes, the linky will be closed on Thursday of each week at midnight, Malaysian Time. Thank you!

Raising Kane

"Tact in audacity is knowing how far you can go without going too far." ~Jean Cocteau

What is the greatest movie ever? If you answered The Big Lebowski, you would be wrong. If you answered Magnolia I would have sex with you, but you would still be wrong. If you answered Casablanca, you would get a B+, and i would accuse you of being a kiss-ass. And if you answered Twilight: New Moon, I might just have to dropkick you in the fucking throat before ripping out your little glitter-infatuated heart and eat it. 

No, according to film historians, academes, scholars, and other smug dillweeds whose opinions I shouldn't give two shits about, but actually do is Citizen Kane. Some might even call it the Citizen Kane of all movies.  

Wait, that's redundant. 

The story revolves around the death of a newspaper tycoon, Charles Foster Kane, played by Orson Welles. Upon his deathbed, his dying words were "rosebud," and the dirty rotten newspaper scoundrels go out and interview everyone who knew Kane to find some insight into who or what rosebud was. That's it--the plot of the Best Movie Ever. 

SPOILER ALERT

I could marvel at the technical perfections of CK. At the way the timeline jumps forward and backwards non-linearly, to make you constantly question what year you're really in. Imagine a Tarantino movie, except all the characters are rich, all the weapons are replaced with newspapers, and instead of talking about madonna songs (cuz, you know, she's still 40 years away), they talk about . . . NEWSPAPERS!

~"You gonna bark all day little doggy, or are you going to talk about our editorials on dog bites?"~

The cool part about this movie is the controversy behind its creation. See, Charles Foster Kane is really . . . drumroll please . . . William Randolph Hearst. Just the most important newspaper man to probably ever live in America. He invented yellow journalism, almost singlehandedly creating the fervor behind the Spanish-American War. Hearst went out of his way, spending millions to try to stop the production of this movie. He was able to smear Welles reputation, or exacerbate Welles own destructive habits, and able to have him almost blacklisted in Hollywood. Ironically though, Citizen Kane has survived the test of time, and Hearst's story has been deduced to a grumbling rich man-boy spending his whole life masturbating to the memory of his fucking sled.  And that my friends, is the GREATEST MOVIE OF ALL FUCKING TIME!

~"Where's my sled, Mama?"~

Orgasmo

"Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships." ~Sharon Stone


Ah, a movie about New York. And divorce. And love. And neurotic men. Must be Woody Allen.

Wrong

No, I'm talking about When Harry Met Sally..., you know, the movie where the smoking hot Meg Ryan purposefully ignores Billy Crystal's sexual advances for a dozen years. Until she doesn't anymore. Actually I remembered this movie as "the Meg Ryan orgasm" movie for years, or "the one without Tom Hanks," after that OTHER romantic comedy came out about New York. And breakups. And love. And neurotic men. . . but i digress. 

~"I'd never fake it with YOU."~

Upon giving it another viewing, I've decided this is really a smart, funny, romantic movie about how men and probably women really are. Now I say probably because I've never been an expert on the ways of Vagina Club, if you get my drift. But, yes, men will have a date with a girl, have sex with the girl, leave the girl, and repeat the process the next day with the next name in the phone book. Women use sex more sparingly. Kinda like "If you want the goods, and I know you do, you have to wait for it.....wait for it.......wait for it." Our biology at work, my friends. We can't change our wiring, we just change our techniques.

But the question at hand, the question burning in the backs of the minds of every Harry and Sally, the question that this movie is REALLY about is this:  Can Men and Women just be friends? I really think so. Harry thinks it isn't possible because men, being the horny bastards that we are, are always thinking about sex....with Meg Ryan......

~Need I say more~

anyway . . . because of this fact, men can never befriend a woman. Perhaps. But sometimes, as this movie so eloquently points out, if we just put our dicks away, reveal our true capacities as a caring human being to another caring human being, the journey can lead to wondrous places. 

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(Trivia Bite: The woman who, after Meg Ryan's public fake orgasm, says "I'll have what she's having," turns out to be Rob Reiner's mother.)

Family System

"Death ends a life, not a relationship." ~Robert Benchley




Ordinary People (1980). Extraordinary movie about a family coping with the worst of tragedies, losing a child. Conrad (perfectly played and worthy of the Oscar, Timothy Hutton) is the little brother who, after witnessing the death of his brother, tried to commit suicide. His mother Beth (a cold Mary Tyler Moore) is rejecting all emotional connection while trying to save face in front of all the country club friends and neighbors. Calvin (Donald Sutherland) is a patriarch torn between the two people he has left.

At first I was a little iffy about this one. For starters, the movie begins AFTER the death of Buck, and we only learn about his demise through the flashbacks of Conrad. A good rule for movies is flashbacks don't work. In this one though, It helped us reveal the guilt and resentment he was fostering towards his much cooler older brother. 

Why, even mother Beth liked Buck better. Mary Tyler Moore, you are great at being an emotionally-stunted, cold-hearted, money-grubbing bitch.

~"Of course I loved your brother more. He was cool."~

And poor Conrad. Unable to connect with any of his old pre-suicidal swim team friends, he quits the team (only to get ostracized more), he confides in an old hospital friend (only to have her kill herself), have to describe the pains of suicide on a date (only to have her break out in awkward laughter), and find out he hates his mother from his new shrink. Well, that's one positive. 

Robert Redford made a strong directorial debut with this intricate, heartfelt mosaic about the fragility and strength of the family unit. Honestly, I never would have watched this movie had it not been on this list, and for that, I am truly grateful. 

The Lion Sleeps Tonight

"All that lives must die, passing through nature to eternity." ~William Shakespeare, Hamlet




I have a soft spot for Disney. I wish I could write up some diatribe about the evils of Disney, with their blatant misogyny; their recycled story lines, characters, and even whole animated sequences; or even their weird obsession with orphans, but i cannot. I was a Disney kid. Thanks to the Magical World of Disney, I set sail around the world in search of flying elephants, ostrich-riding island children, and BDSM. It was a joyous time indeed.

 ~"You've been bloody naughty. You deserve a proper spanking."~

SWOON!

So I jumped at the opportunity to re-view one of the best, The Lion King (1994). It is the retelling of Shakespeare's Hamlet on the Serengeti, with a pride of . . . LIONS! That's right, Disney doesn't want to confuse the children.  Let's see here. The story centers around Simba, the new cub (voiced by Jonathan Taylor Thomas of Home Improvement fame, oh and apparently the wall of my girlfriend--she obviously had bad taste from an early age) to King Mufasa (voiced by Darth Vader James Earl Jones.) Our conniving uncle Scar (brilliantly voiced by Jeremy Irons) concocts a double-assassination attempt with his hyena friends to initiate a   coup, allowing both lion and hyena to coexist in fascist harmony. Seriously, have you noticed the not-too-subtle visual references to Nazi Germany.

So Spoiler Alert after Darth Vader Mufasa dies, Simba is ran off by the Hyenas into the wilderness. What got me, even as a child, was the hyenas used the word "KILL." I don't believe that movie had ever been uttered in an animated Disney classic before. Another first is, THE FATHER DIES. Seriously, in every other fucking Disney classic, it's the mother who gets whacked. Bambi, Snow White, Cinder-fuckin-ella, each had their mothers ripped away. I suppose you can't have a Hamlet story without a dead father, the male lion is where all the action is. Even if they are a bunch of lazy fucks.

~Look at my noble nuts, bitches.~

So the newly orphaned, newly homeless, still-fucking-maneless Simba befriends the comic reliefs of Timon and Pumbaa, and learns all about the carefree life of taking care of numero uno. They even have a fucking montage song. (They seriously sing that song for about 2 years.) 

But it's Disney. They like music. This time, they opted to have a real rockNroller into the Magic Kingdom, Sir Elton Fucking John. *bows* No one can write a ballad like that ball-licker. (And I mean that with the utmost respect, Sir Reggie.)

~Disney's Liberace~

Then there is the long-lost love thing, the monkey-whacking thing, the "oh fuck, i'm my father!" thing, the back from the grave thing, the kill your uncle thing. But you know, with whimsical talking animals and shit.